Finding Myself Again
For most, we have been accustomed to go go go go go go lifestyle. It's kind of addicting honestly. Feeling needed, feeling like you have a purpose, feeling accomplished about your day and checking things off your to-do list makes you feel great!
Well, now, it seems like life as we knew it has stopped dead in its tracks. The 50 errands you had to run, the soccer practice, the lunch meetings, the grocery shopping, the days filled from start to finish. It can leave you feeling... empty. I know I have. I was looking forward to getting into the groove of working life after Thailand. I know how weird, I wanted to work and have things to do again. I am a busy body, and I thrive in environments where I have specific things to do, not just lounge on the beach and practice Muay Thai haha.
Now, it seems like my days can feel like a loop of the same thing if I let them. I keep using the phrase "the other day" because I'm just not sure when the thing happened that I'm trying to tell a story about. For about 3-4 weeks now, I just felt, blah. Newly adjusting to quarantine life wasn't all that easy on top of moving and getting settled to a new house. Sure, I can wake up whenever, wear whatever, work on whatever I wanted, and have all-day access to my fridge, but even with all those perks, I still felt out of place. Like something in my life was unfulfilled.
I thrive on helping others. My past jobs have included Nursing Assitant, Bartender and Waitress.. all help oriented positions. I LOVE to serve others, to be honest. It makes me feel like I did something great for another. I came to find that that feeling was my passion, not necessarily the jobs I was employed to do. The gratitude that came with servitude. I love being the "hostess with the mostess". Shit, I think I just love to make people smile.
So with all that being said, being stuck in the house is kind of harder for me to fill that previously overfilled space. I have avoided social media because people are either complaining about COVID, complaining about how stupid other people are, or playing games called "Let's take our mind off of COVID, show me the 5th picture in your camera roll!"...like I appreciate it but that's not how I work. So I just stay off entirely. I feel guilty, like I should be on there spreading my positivity and my happiness, sending my love and prayers to my friends, and connecting with them in this time of need. But it got my thinking; Why am I sacrificing my mental health and happiness, to log on and deplete it for others. Why am I pouring from an empty cup?
I had fallen into a rut. I wasn't being my true self. I am an empath, and I absorb so many different energies from around me. From the things I read, from the shows I watch, and the people I interact with. I have to be very careful and aware of it to protect my inner peace. I decided a few nights ago that I'm over it. I am tired of not being ME. I was longing for the woman I was in Thailand. I said, self, what was it that you did there, that isn't being done here. I looked around me for a second and it hit me... more like punched me in the face. Like my higher self grabbed me, shook me and said "I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED!! Let me show you!"
"Your house is still full of boxes, and you moved in a month ago. Your living room is a catch-all for said boxes, your bedroom is a cluttered mess and has no personality, and YOU missy, YOU have not been in tune with yourself! You haven't been in touch with the Universe, you haven't fully meditated and LISTENED, you've been off in la la land, but are we glad to have you back."
It was powerful. I was totally out of touch with the essence of who I was. I have felt very out of touch from myself.
That same day, Garrett started cleaning. I mean full-blown "I AM ORGANIZING EVERYTHING" mode. It gave me all sorts of motivation. He set up and cleaned the whole office, hung all of the paintings and made it look like we belonged. It inspired me to do the same for our front room and dining room!
Previously, I had been very "guest-oriented" in the design of my home. Feeling the need to have a couch and space for them, it clean for them and be able to host and entertain. But now... who is "them" It's going to be just us for the next few months, so now its time to make my space for ME. Enter creative mode!! I moved around our tv stand, unpacked the boxes that had our game consoles and board games onto the tv stand, broke out the lava lamp, hung up my wall art and tapestry, and said: "hey, we don't have a couch but.... we have an air mattress!". I hung my multi-colored lights, and threw a mountain of fuzzy blankets and pillows onto that air mattress to make the most amazing "couch" you could imagine! I brought out my yoga mats, my electric keyboard and made this home, MINE!
I can't even begin to tell you how sprucing up that one room made me feel!! I didn't want to leave it. I just kept walking in there, so proud of the space I created with the things I already owned! After relishing in my happiness, I took it a step further. I needed to spend time with me. I got a journal out and started to plan out my next day.
I wanted to start by having clear energy. I told my family that I was having a phone-free next day so I didn't feel obligated to be on it and talk to anyone. I brought out all my chakra meditation stones and decided to sleep in my newly decorated living room, solo. (Only Jojo beans was allowed because she's my cuddle bug.) I knew in my soul I needed a "Me" day, yet I was having anxiety about it. The anxiety was telling me to knock it off, just sleep in my bedroom, who cares if you do the dishes, etc. To it, I said NO. I am going to allow myself to dedicate 24 freaking hours to the body, mind, and soul of my entire existence. No chores, no dishes, no blog, no social media, just me.
The night I kept having strange dreams as if my ego, anxiety or darkness was trying to overpower me. But I kept on pushing through with my plans. I had a great rest, got up earlier than I had in weeks, made a delicious breakfast and had a wonderful morning. I found myself going to do the dishes and my higher self said, "GIRL, put those dishes DOWN, you are here today to be YOU, not the housewife!" I said you're right! So I headed to beautify. Normally it is just a moisturizer and go, but I treated myself to a bold shadow, wings, and lipstick! OOH did I feel fierce! After, I said, ok... what next? My higher self said, "baby girl, it is time to do some work, c'mon with your fine self."
I don't think I've ever allowed myself to meditate for an extremely long period of time. I did an hour float tank when I lived in Arizona (Super duper cool I'd highly recommend btw!!) So, I wrapped up in fuzzy blankets, got comfy, and fell into the deepest meditation I think I've ever had. I grew more and more relaxed, quieter, and I could just hear. I heard all the things I had been needing to from my higher self and the angels who watch over me. It truly felt like, I had been in my way the whole time. I needed to be still and listen more than keep searching vigorously for what was wrong. After my meditation, I was in such a blissful state. I had planned out my lunches and snacks so I waltzed into the kitchen for a healthy lunch and continued on my merry way.
My favorite authors are Gabby Bernstein and Jen Sincero. They both write books that have similar themes of Universal love, manifestation, and spirituality. I adore these books and I had fallen away from them this past month. I had a half-read, "Super Attractor" Gabby Bernstein book on my nightstand! I left off on the best chapter for myself. It was all about having faith, having patience, having trust in the Universe and your path. It was just beautiful. The signs I ask for, for confirmation from the Universe are; a breeze, butterflies, songbirds, Blue Jays, cats, and raccoons. These are things that just connect to my spirit. I was reading my book, feeling all the warmth and love I had been missing. Like a Phoenix being reborn. I said, "Universe, send me a sign to let me know I am on the right path. That you are still here with me." and I waited. The funny thing about the Universe is, if you ask for a sign and then go looking, you won't find it. But when you ask for a sign and truly release your faith and trust into the Universe, it'll come in that instant. I released my thoughts, worries and had immense faith in ways I had before, and emerging from the quiet peaceful day, a single beautiful songbird serenaded me. I feel like she came out just for me. The Universe was sending me my sign. I was so overwhelmed with joy. I instantly felt my connection grow stronger. YES! THIS IS WHO I AM! This is the woman I loved so dearly a month ago. She was the one who was praying and meditating daily, who TRULY FELT that deep connection to the Universe and herself.
The next day, that feeling continued. I was having a moment of control, and when I became aware of it, I released it and Garrett and I went to sit outside for our coffee together. As we swung on the front porch, I spotted a leopard print cat that I had never seen before walking in the neighbor's yard. I was so happy to see it! Look, the Universe is still sending me signs. I appreciated the beautiful sentiment and beamed with joy. And guess what? Two more precious neighborhood felines appeared in the next few minutes. As I sat in awe, thanking the Universe for these signs, a breeze blew over me. A hug from my higher self, as if to say "You're welcome". We sat and chatted and sipped for a while longer, enjoying our conversation and company. The funny things about signs are, I never go looking. It's like the Universe whispers, "look here" and my eyes automatically follow. No thoughts, just natural unprompted actions. I looked up and over casually. Lo and behold, a Blue Jay landed in the middle of the street. Another sign. I felt like the Universe was welcoming me back with open and loving arms. "Cheyenne, how we've missed you! I'm so happy you're connecting to yourself again." It whispered to me.
I sat in peace and serenity on my porch swing. Truly soaking in all the bliss. Delicious coffee, loving companion, all the signs I had received. I was immersed in it all, thinking how this just couldn't get any better. Truly being grateful for my life, my days, my connection. The Universe wasn't done with me just yet. She sent one last sign that she was always with me, and wants the best for me; a single, simple yellow butterfly floated effortlessly across our bushes.
It is that kind of revelation that leaves you on the brink of tears. Tears of happiness, tears of confirmation, tears of love, tears of gratitude. Tears because you wonder what took you so long to remember?
I have missed me, and I am so happy to say that she is back.
I have never been this honest and open about myself, my spirituality, and what I believe in. I'm always afraid of offending others. How I see religion and spirituality is, if you are a good person, doing good things, in the name of a God, church or religion, or for no reason at all- go you. You have something inside of you that you feel compelled enough to believe, pray, have faith, be kind, and be the best person you can be. I love that. I couldn't care less if you are Buddhist, Muslim, Christian, Southern Baptist, Athiest or pray to Mother Moon. If you feel a connection to a higher power, and you strive to be a good person, I appreciate you. I have met people from all walks of life. You don't have to be an avid churchgoer, a scripture-memorizer, or even belong to a religion to be a good person. I cast no judgment. I don't belong to anywhere but the Universal power of love.
I thank you for reading, and I hope you have a wonderful day.
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